Longing...for a purpose

So, I'm driving home from the mall after I had just bought Aaron a brand new 'boy' Bible for his upcoming birthday. It's fully equipped with a "pre-worn" cover, stickers of skateboarders, pictures of young teens, and even music references...all in the hopes it entices him to see the Bible as something actually USEFUL, in the life of a 10-almost-11-yr-old-boy.

It was interesting to me that while I searched the shelves of Bibles, there were so many geared toward women and girls. Hmmm, are women really that much more spiritual then men? Do we find solace more often in the Bible then guys do? I'm not really sure, but if supply and demand means anything, there's not a huge demand for Bibles for guys or boys... Kind of sad actually...

But that's just an aside from what I really want to talk about. So, as I was saying, I was driving home from the mall, and my mind was once again wondering about "What's next?" It's that never ceasing and HIGHLY persistent question I ask myself on a daily, and sometimes hourly basis. Does anyone else have this little 'bug' constantly buzzing in THEIR ear?? Anyway, I got to thinking, am I desiring something? Someone? Or longing for something to happen?? And by the way, what IS the difference between desire and longing? Are they the same? I think they're often used the same in our everyday language, but really, are they?

So as I'm driving up the highway, trying to stay out of the busy lanes of entering and exiting cars, yet trying to stay close enough to my own so I won't have to show my James Bond moves to get on my particular exit at the very last second, I thought, "What have I desired or longed for today?" (Besides NOT getting a speeding ticket)...

Well, first off, I just got done with work. Now most of you know that I work with teens and kids in a psychiatric unit. So it's not the kind of job where you can just sit around and read the paper...but let me tell you, there ARE days when I long and desire. For what? For A PURPOSE!

I'm assuming I'm not alone when I say I hate being bored. Boredom to me signifies that I'm not needed. If I'm at work and I'm bored...oooohh, watch out!... Cuz I start to get spiteful. I mean, why not?? I could be at home after all, cleaning, washing dishes, working out, or doing any number of small, mundane, yet important daily tasks. At least its better than asking everyone for the 80th time..."Is there ANYTHING I can do for you??" ...sigh....

So, what did I long for today? I longed for the desire to make a difference. To make a connection. Even if it wasn't necessarily with a patient, but just to make one small token of difference to SOMEONE. THAT'S what I long for. Did I get it? Yep!!... thankfully God has placed me in a position where I can get my longing to be purposeful filled almost on daily basis. Thank you God!!

Now, I like to say that I'm an optimist, and for the most part, I am, but I'm also a realist. I know that when things are good, we have to be careful, because the downside is ALWAYS around the corner... (the key, as many of us know, is to plan on the downside and use it for the valuable learning tool it always is)...

So, the downside to having a great job where I'm frequently given challenges AND a sense of fulfillment to my longing? I'm spoiled... :)

Or maybe, as my friend says, women are just NEVER SATISFIED! (Haha...You know who you are)... Either way, be it the nature of being a woman, or be it a high metabolic need for wanting continued fulfillment to my longing, I want more.

I long to do more. Ever since I was a little girl, I've had IDEAS of how to do good. (Hence the "Idealist" is a pretty good fit for me huh?) Gotta love Myer's Briggs! Hehe.

But how do I decide what IS the right thing for me to do? I only have so many hours a day, and between work, parenting, housekeeping, and trying to keep my own body and soul in check, I've gotten myself into a place where I feel powerless to do more.

Now THAT'S a crappy feeling to have! Think about it, who is a protector who has no one to protect? Or a provider who has no income to provide? Or a preacher who has no one to minister to? Or a teacher who has no one to teach? Well, a healer who feels unable to go out and heal due to physical, psychological, or emotional barriers is a basically a big walking gob of unharnessed and boiling longing! WATCH OUT! She's gonna BLOW!! Well, not quite, but I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt like that on some days!

So maybe my job is like a 'quick fix' to get me through this time in life when I'm not quite where I need to be, but it's close enough to keep me going. The struggle is to keep my longings for doing good separate from my desires to have the "nice little house, with a nice little yard, and a nice little son who reads his nice little Bible." Maybe desires are for us. They trap us and slow us down. Desire for the right person in our life, or desire for the right number in our bank account.

Longing, however, is that continuous calling in the back of my head that says..."Do more! Don't be satisfied with this! Come On! You have SO MUCH LEFT TO DO!"

I guess overall, longing is a good thing. Though continuous, and causing me to never feel satisfied, and always wanting MORE, it's what keeps me focused on the path God has placed me on...or maybe, placed upon me. I'm an idealist, a healer. I'm meant to do good in this world. I'm meant to heal by listening, encouraging, loving, and caring.

So, this year, the new decade of 2010, will be a year of opening possibilities. I've made it through nearly 3 years as a psych nurse and over 5 years as a nurse in general. I'm ready to take the next step.

Nurse practitioner? Working with the homeless? Running a support group at the local middle school by my home? Volunteering at NAMI to raise awareness of mental illness? Attending Race Talks and advocating for an increase in awareness of the privilege that SO many of us take for granted every minute of every day? Can I do it all? Can I do ANY of it? Hmm, maybe 2010 will be the year for me to just pick one...and start. I need to start fulfilling my own sense of longing, instead of sitting back and waiting for my church, my work, or my family do it for me. I need to take advantage of all the opportunities for fulfillment God has placed in front of me.

Desires may be the stuff of daydreams and romanticism. Longing is the stuff of purpose and God's love.

Dear God, THANK YOU for answering my prayer from yesterday. I asked you to take away the intensity of my desires so that I could focus on what you want for me. I guess you just needed me to be clear minded and enjoying a nice drive home to be ready to listen... Amen.

Thanks for reading. If you have time...I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts!! :)
Peace Friend,
~Erica