The Shack, Fathers, and Self-Esteem

So, I'm reading The Shack, and for those of you who haven't read it, its a story about a man who loses his daughter to a murderer and then subsequently struggles with his faith. This so-called "Shack" is the location of his interaction with God about his faith. Without giving too much away for those of you who want to read it, there's one part that triggered a stream of thoughts that connected with some hypothesis I've had about fathers.

Basically, the main character wanted to know why people refer to God as "father". God explains that in his divine plan about human kind, he knew that fathers would be in less supply than mothers. Thus, by referring to God as "father" society would have more of a "fatherly" influence to help with the lack in supply.

Ok, so this leads me to the topic of Self esteem... I know, kind of a leap huh? Bear with me...

I work with teenagers and kids everyday and I'd say 99.9% of the patients have "poor self esteem". Now, there are several theories of why this is happening to today's youth... Ie., We're being too hard on them; We're being too soft on them; They have no sense of accomplishment; Society is lacking in giving kids "rites of passage" activities...etc. Well, my theory is that a great deal of our self esteem comes from our upbringing...or specifically, from our fathers.

It was in my first blog that I stressed the importance of helping men realize their value in society. THIS is one reason why. A strong father figure with a healthy, loving, and guiding relationship with his daughters and sons will give them the foundation and confidence they need to step out into the world. I'm not sure why, or exactly what chemical or neurological pathway this relationship alters or effects, but somehow...this just seems to work!

Think about it, we've all had friends who had dads who were really involved in their kids' lives. These were the friends that didn't really complain about their dads like the rest of us did. "My dad is the worst! He's so mean!" Nope, these kids usually were pretty quiet, because they knew their dad was a decent person.

Now, think about these friends some more. Where they confident, secure, and tended to follow the rules? Yep. These were the families that the rest of us were envious of. "They're the perfect family!" And I have to say, I think a huge part of that is the level of involvement of the father.

Research suggests that the level of education a child aspires to has a great deal to do with the level the mother aspired to. For example, if my mom got her bachelor's degree, it's VERY likely I'll AT LEAST achieve that level as well. Pretty cool huh?

So, MY little addendum is that if the father is a strong leader, a teacher regarding discipline, can show his love for his kids, AND has a healthy bond with them, they'll have strong self esteem. Yes, I realize this isn't scientific and I have no ACTUAL proof...but I do have experience. Both personal, AND professional.

On a personal level, growing up, I had a 'sketchy' relationship with my father. I've mentioned in other blogs that our family had it's share of skeletons. And without going into uncomfortable details, his and my relationship was fairly strained all the way into my 20's. (Grandchildren can work miracles and break down walls!! Praise God!!) Well, I personally struggled with very poor self esteem all through this time. I didn't know who I was, much less who I was to look for in terms of "a good man" Over the years I've grown and learned some pretty tough lessons. Marriage, divorce, having a child who I've ended up raising by myself, putting myself through the military, nursing school, and then, venturing out into the world of dating...

Over the course of the last 10 years, my father and I (thank GOD!) began to heal our relationship. He battled and overcame some of his demons, and so did I. He has since become the father I consider myself EXTREMELY lucky to have. Now, is it coincidence that my own personal self-esteem level has gone up tremendously since then? I'd like to think there's a strong correlation. Now granted, I DID do a 'crap-load' of work to get myself to where I am today. But I have to be totally honest, had my parents not been so incredibly supportive to me over these last 10 years as they've been able to strengthen their own marriage, I guarantee, I wouldn't have been able to accomplish even HALF of what I did. Nor would I feel so self assured and confident as I do today.

Now, on a professional level, as a child and teen psych nurse, I see so many broken homes, and sad to say, one of our "standard"...yet informal questions we ask the patient upon admission, is "Is your dad in the picture?" 9 times out of 10, they aren't. And 9 times out of 10, these kids hate themselves....

I also work with teens who are suffering with eating disorders. (Anorexia, bulimia, etc.) The 'typical' anorexic girl is beautiful, a perfectionist, straight A's, is in sports, and her room is cute, perfect, and colorful...like out of a decorating magazine.... In addition, they usually don't get along with their fathers...

Again, yes, I realize I'm making assumptions based on possibly completely unrelated correlations, but still, there's gotta be a link there somewhere. I swear I recall a speaker once even saying, "Self Esteem comes from a healthy relationship with the father". So, I know I'm not the only one with this theory...

Hmmm, maybe when I get some 'down time' (Hahahaha!) I'll do some research and see if there is actual data showing a connection.

BUT, until then, it can't hurt to consider the possibility, right? I mean after all, if it IS true, what does that mean? Well, you men out there, father or not, YOU make a HUGE impact in the youth of today!!!!

Be a mentor! Love your kids! Be a representative of God the "Father" and S.O.S.E! (Save Our Self Esteem!)

I could go on and on about this topic, but, I think you get the point. The next time you come across a kid....or even an adult....with poor self esteem, ask them what their relationship was like with their father... I'm curious if you'll have the same discovery I have!

Dear Blessed Father,
THANK YOU for your unconditional love for me. For your love gives me the confidence I need to go out into the world and be true to myself. True to what you created me to be. With your love and sacrifice, I don't need to worry about bowing to the pressure of society for I know that living my life for you, honoring you, and loving others as a representative of you will keep me strong. And THANK YOU for our FATHERS on EARTH! May we care for them, appreciate them, encourage them, and love them, for they are a gift from you and the key to our every day balance between the pressures of the world and your Greatness. Amen!

Peace Friend!!
~Erica